Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
