I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Randomize
