I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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