I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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