apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
