I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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