You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
