new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
