I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
