Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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