Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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