I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
