News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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