I could have mohawked her pubes.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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