I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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