Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
