She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
