: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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