Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Randomize
