You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
