So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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