This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
