Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
