This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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