Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I forget how to act sober
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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