Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
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