phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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