i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
