I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
