So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
