wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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