Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
