you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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