you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
