So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
