No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
