get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I FOUND THE LEGS
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
