the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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