I seem to have left my pride at pride
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
