I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
