Ketchup is God's man juice
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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