you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
