Rock
Scissors
Fuck
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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