and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
