Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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