Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
