Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
