Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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