it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
me + whiskey = a bad person
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
