don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
